Matters of the Heart

I haven’t written as much in May as has been on my heart because I’ve been worried about what people would think of me. It’s taken me a long time to learn this, but at some point you have to stop trying to please everyone. There really is only one person you can ever fully please and that is yourself. It’s not a selfish thing to admit. If you’re compromising your Higher Self you will never succeed in spreading the joy you really want to, because you’ll just end up spreading the lack of fulfilment and unhappiness that pervades your soul.

Things have taken a long time to change, but I feel like I’m on the right path now.

My theme for this month is Undying Love. It’s taken me a little while to integrate this theme into the year so far but I think I’ve worked it out now. The year so far has taken me on quite a journey. I have taken time to prepare. I’ve acknowledged my strengths and tried release more of my inner self. I’ve tried to allow my intuition to rule my heart much more, because I’ve always been one to be ruled by logic, experiment and proof. That’s not an easy turn-around to make and there have been a lot of tears and argument for the sake of standing still.

Now I think it’s time to have a rest, to bask in the love that surrounds me. I appreciate my children. I could not ask for children more loving towards each other and to me. I appreciate my former husband, without whom this journey would not have started. I appreciate he who is the other half of my soul, with whom the journey continues. Love really is all that matters. A love shared is eternal, no matter how things change.

The love you send into the world is an important part of your Divine purpose. I know that whatever changes have occurred in my life, or indeed in the lives of anyone reading this, the healing brought by the love which surrounds all of us is swift and efficient. We are truly healing from the inside out; we just need to be patient with ourselves.

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Transformations

May has been a month of transformations. I set out at the beginning of the year to change the way I thought about things. I set my intention, sent it into the universe by writing about it and sharing my journey on this blog. I see now the journey will last for the rest of my time in this life and it is truly glorious. I chose to open my mind and now I see far more than I ever dreamed. I knocked at the door and it was opened to me.

This month’s theme was Divine Healing and I am firmly on that path now. I experienced the joy of Beltane. Under the light of a full moon I released things and cleared the path to a fuller, more abundant life. I have spent time in the sunshine, noticed the little things and been grateful for them. Have you ever tried being aware of your breath? Suddenly each and every one becomes a miracle! I have acknowledged that I am my own worst enemy and my first best lover. I welcome abundance and allow myself to be successful.

I am beginning to understand that I am the Goddess, creator. I have everything I want in my life, right now.

I read over what I’ve just written and I know I could never have written anything like this last year, not even last month. Transformation indeed.

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Beltane

Last night I went to Butser Ancient Farm for my first Beltane celebration. I heard about Butser from an amateur astronomer friend who mentioned that it’s a dark sky site and I thought it would be the perfect place to observe the full moon in perigee. Visiting the farm’s web site, I discovered they were holding a Beltane celebration, complete with the burning of a wicker man so I just had to go and see what it was all about.

We arrived at about 5.30pm and were practically blown off the hillside where the car park was. So cold! Thank goodness for my thermal vest. We walked across the field and down the hill where I caught my first glimpse of the farm and the giant wicker man.

         

                            

Upon entering the site I realised very quickly that this was a well-organised event with even the smallest needs thought of. The bar was right next to the toilets…

There was a small stage with an Irish folk band and a dance group called Spirit of Ishtar began their performance not long after we arrived. I liked that there was a variety of women in the group, ranging from a girl who can’t have been more than 17 to grandmothers. It was great to see them all dancing in a belly-dancing style to music that was a fusion of Turkish, Indian, Arabic and I don’t know what else. I could see why some people wouldn’t like it – women enjoying the power of their bodies to express their inherent gorgeousness. I would like to learn to dance like that!

         

There was a falconry display, a guy making axe heads, African drumming, face-painting, tarot reading, a hog roast, crepes, jacket potatoes, storytelling and loads of people dressed as Celts. I particularly loved a woman dressed up in a Celtic costume wearing hot pink Doc Martens. I wish I could have taken a photo. Definitely the strangest thing I saw was an ice-cream vendor. These English are crazy.

We filled up on the yummy food before the queues started in earnest, grabbed some ale (well, Doug had some ale, I had some cider) and went for a tarot reading.

I’d never had one before and I know it’s a cliché, but it was spot on. I mean, SPOT ON. She talked about having gone through a very difficult period in my life and being on the cusp of something new. That part sounds very much like what a sceptic would expect to hear. Most people who go to a tarot reader go when they’re trying to make a decision about something or when they’re uncertain, but anyone who knows me, who’s followed my blog will know I’ve had a seriously difficult time over the past year. For those who don’t, try this on for size – I got divorced, moved house, lost my job and had to sell my beloved Jag in the space of 3 months. While taking care of three kids. I dare you to go through all that without losing your mind! I was particularly impressed with her insight into my personality, right down to the exact words I have used to describe myself. She mentioned my fear of disappointment and my sense of defeatism, feeling alone and worrying about what other people think.

I’m not going to try to analyse it or explain it. I am going to make use of it. I will accept who I am, release the passion and power that is inside me. I will share more of myself with other people and allow myself to be vulnerable to others. I am being all that I can be.

At dusk they set fire to the wicker man, which was quite a spectacle. We made our way back to the car and home again.

Beltane was great. Shame I didn’t get to see the moon though, it was completely, solidly overcast all night and even today, Sunday, it’s still grey from horizon to horizon. Frost has been forecast for tomorrow morning so I’m hoping that means a clear sky tonight. There’s some things I need to let go of and lots of things I want to manifest into my life.

                                                

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Divine Healing

Any creator knows that some things are birthed more easily than others, and this month, already a week into it, is proving to be very exciting.  I’m in a bit of shock, actually. I’m finding myself doing things I never dreamed I’d be doing. I’m really giving myself over to my intuition, just doing what feels right and not worrying about what other people think. I said at the beginning of the year that I wanted to change the way I think about things and I can’t do that without trying on new thoughts and seeing whether they fit.

So, what am I doing?

I am choosing to know I succeed. I no longer wish I could. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if…’ is fundamentally unsatisfying and I’m not living that way anymore.

I am thinking differently about myself. I accept without being big-headed about it that people admire me. They respect me. I inspire others. People are not deluded if they think I’m capable. If they think I’m worthy, it isn’t because they just don’t know me well enough. I am releasing negative self-talk. I am my first and best lover of my soul.

The theme for this month is more powerful than any so far. Quiet time, being strong, infinite supply and spending time with nature were all themes that prepared me for this month. I am a channel for Divine healing power. No idea what that looks like yet but I’m on a journey and the destination is not yet in sight. I’m just trusting that each step is carrying me in the right direction. I trust my intuition a lot more and I’m doing what feels right. I’m no longer choosing to ignore the stuff that doesn’t feel right. I’m not ignoring the logical part of my thinking, but I’m allowing the intuitive part to manifest itself more. Already I am feeling more balanced and much less out of control.

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Climb Every Mountain

April was supposed to be my month for getting outside. It poured with rain nearly every day. Surrey is officially in drought, yet we received 166% of our average monthly rainfall this month. Today is a glorious day however, with warm sunshine, blue skies and fluffy white clouds. I really love spring in this country. Daffodils and tulips, new leavBird Feederes and blossoms on the trees, green everywhere. We’ve got a bird feeder suspended from one of the trees that overhang my back yard. Suspended because, for reasons that escape me, my man threw a piece of wood with string tied on it into the tree and funnily enough it got stuck. I think he had grand plans to do something long-forgotten, but for now I find the dangling feeder quite humorous. At least the squirrels can’t get to it and we do have a lot of birds coming in now, including robins, blackbirds, pigeons, blue tits, sparrows and starlings. The feeder spins madly whenever a bird lands on it, but they don’t seem to be bothered by its crazy spin. We even have a resident fox so urbanised it comes out in daylight hours.

This month was supposed to be the month I went to the swimming pool daily to train for my 5km swim for Marie Curie Cancer Care. I am proud to say I did it on the 28th of April in a time of 2 hours, 29 minutes and 45 seconds. The training didn’t go to plan at all, as I seemed to suffer more than my fair share of migraines this month. I only did about 6 hours in the pool plus a bit of weight training and walking in the gym so I didn’t complete the swim in the time I’d hoped for, 1.5 hours, which I now know was a bit unrealistic. The time aside I am very pleased to have been able to complete the distance. It didn’t seem like a long way when I put my name down for it, but it really is a very long way to swim.

I discovered something about myself from that swim. I realised that if I decide to do something, if I believe it, I can achieve it. That’s a hard thing to admit, because it’s one of my man’s more irritating mantras and it drives me up the wall, across the ceiling and down the other side. We have had countless arguments over the concept because I can’t just believe something without any evidence, experience or proof. I believed I could do the swim because I’ve swum 50 or 60 or even 100 lengths before so 200 lengths didn’t seem completely out of reach for me. Challenging, yes, but I believed it was possible because I’d done something similar before. I’d climbed a smaller mountain.

I can’t believe I’m going to build a successful business and be financially independent because I’ve never built a business. I don’t know anyone who has, except my man and he went bankrupt twice. Some might say that’s great, because he knows what not to do, but personally I’d prefer he knew what TO do, if you understand my meaning. In order to believe I can be financially independent I need to climb smaller mountains. A lot of smaller mountains.

The swim of my life was the first of those mountains, and the goals I’ve set for myself this year are the next mountains to climb.

By the way, did I tell you I’ve achieved my Toastmasters Advanced Leader Bronze and Advanced Communicator Bronze already this year? And I’ve got a speaking gig, expenses only paid but it’s a start. I’m making more effort to appreciate what I have, so I guess being financially independent is simply a matter of time…

PS: This is my latest bit of decoration in my house. It encourages me not to take things quite so seriously…

What If...?

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Northern Sights…

Finally got a chance to go for a bit of a drive last weekend. I had a whole heap of questions that needed answering before I could make real moves with Smart Talkers, so I decided to combine the trip with a visit to some places I’ve been wanting to see for a while.

We started off early on Sunday morning (well, 8.40 is pretty early on a Sunday!) and made it to the Angel of the North by lunchtime. Angel of the NorthIt really is a massive thing, ugly and unangelic but impressive and awesome at the same time. The foundations go deep into the mineshaft it sits on, necessary because the wings are as big as a jumbo jet’s and that’s a lot of sail area when the wind blows! A few people have left flowers and cards in front of saplings that grow around the area, I don’t know why, perhaps in memory of miners? It was very windy and cold, but there was still an ice-cream van in the carpark and crazy English people eating it… Angel 2

After a Sunday roast in a nearby pub (pork for me, beef for Doug, yummy roast potatoes but Yorkshire puds were a bit burnt..) we hit the road again and headed over to the Humber Bridge. Now this is another very impressive engineering achievement. Seriously, the Brits know how to build some cool-looking stuff! There are some pretty ugly places too, it has to be said – we drove through Coventry just to takAt the Humber Bridgee a look and sad to say it’s pretty bleak. You can’t really expect much from a place that was bombed to non-existence. I’ve seen the same in Japan. However, back to the Humber, that was fabulous. We stopped just long enough for some photos, a quick wee (the man, not me!) and some chocolate (the Me and my manman again…)

It was already getting late, time to head off to our bed for the night, a lovely little place I’ve heard of…

Melbourne!

I really liked what they’ve done with the place…

 

The Melbourne Arms was a lovely place, very friendly owners and we had a fantastic Indian meal…

 

Then upstairs… hotel room… no kids…

*sigh* The Masters was much more interesting than me 😉

Next morning we headed for Uttoxeter for my meeting for Smart Talkers. I’m feeling better about all that now, I feel more equipped for it all. I’ve made a start on my first email to preschools and nurseries offering a taster session, but I still feel quite anxious about the whole thing. It’s all uncharted territory for me, but The Man has done it before so I’ve got plenty of help. 715 miles later, back in Woking and it’s been a good break. Time to throw myself into Smart Talkers!

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Take me to the April sun…

I can’t quite go to Cuba (click here if you’ve no idea what I’m talking about) but the sun is shining here in Woking on the 1st of April and I’m loving it. It’s pretty cold still, so when I took the kids out for a walk earlier I did so in my fleece and coat. Pretty much everyone we passed on the walk was in shorts and t-shirts, but I don’t care. Look people, just because the sun is out doesn’t mean it’s warm!!!

My theme for this month is Go Outside. Weird, possibly, but relevant, particularly since in just 21 days I will be swimming 5km for Marie Curie Cancer Care. In the last month I have done precisely no training whatever, so I’m very likely to not make my target of under an hour and a half, but I will complete the 5km, come hell or high water. I plan to go to the gym every day for the next 21 days, starting tomorrow. It’s a good theme, I think. I plan to spend regular time outside or at the gym, even if it’s only half an hour. Money is tight again now, but going for a walk is free and it’s a good way to spend time with my kids, my man or just myself. I tend to do my best thinking in the five minutes it takes me to shower – I’ve come up with all sorts of speech ideas and blog posts, you wouldn’t believe it. I hope that a couple of hours in the gym every day will give me lots of great thinking time and lots of fabulous ideas will flow.

Mostly I just want to build a business that’s going to get me the life I want, and I need to be fit and healthy to be successful. So I’m Going Outside!

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Looking back, looking forward

Infinite supply. I haven’t written much this month but considering it’s the end of the month I think it’s time I wrote anyway, even though I still haven’t worked things out.

When I think of having enough, I think of money. I have enough when I can cover my bills, buy the kids’ clothes, go out for dinner or lunch etc without having to worry about whether or not I can afford to do it. I haven’t had enough for ages, by that definition. The worry aspect of the definition is key. Because I worry, I don’t have enough. If I didn’t worry, I would have enough. It wouldn’t have anything to do with how much money I have. Knowing this to be the case doesn’t change the fact that I worry constantly.

This month has been really difficult, so many ups and downs. The chorus has lost a couple of members, one resignation left me with a very bad taste in my mouth and I wished I had had the courage to deal with things differently. Having said that, I’ve learned that I should follow my instinct because more often than not it’s the right thing to do. I’ve had probably three migraines this month, which is more than usual. I chickened out of the speech contest this year because I thought I could never be good enough. Yet, I delivered a target speech at a club evalutation contest that was so good it was suggested I deliver it at an area contest in London and it was very well-received there. I’ve made it through a very bad depressive episode, the kind where I wanted to smash my car into the nearest tree, experienced a rage that seemed to belong to someone else. I’ve been asked, one of 12 people, to put together a piece for BBC local radio about love and relationships after 40. I’ve made some brilliant friends and realised that I’m a damn good teacher who makes a difference. The best thing is that I’m starting to realise I’m attractive and desireable and being in my 40s is just the best thing ever!

I suppose the conclusion has to be that infinite supply is what you decide it is. I’ve had a lot of bad stuff and a lot of really fantastic stuff this month. Some people say that whether it’s bad or good comes down to perception. I say that sometimes shit is just shit and that’s it. If I can focus on the good stuff and forget about the bad then I’ve made progress.

Maybe.

I think I don’t have very good mechanisms for coping with stress. I internalise it and it all comes out in a massive migraine. I basically vomit out the stress and I’m all set to receive the next bout. It’s not a very satisfactory way of dealing with things, but it’s all I have at the moment. Maybe that’s the next thing I need to work on…

 

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March Towards Infinity

As my regular readers will know (I’ve got followers, yippee!!! Big love and kisses to you *lol*) I have decided to have a theme for each month of this year. It wasn’t so much a decision as a shuffling of some oracle cards (hey, I’m willing to try anything this year) and pulling out the first twelve from the top of the deck. January’s theme of Quiet Time was so valuable to me it made me realise I need to build quite time into my routine, at least a little bit each day. February’s Be Strong inspired more readers than I realised I had but it was a huge challenge for me. I know see that negative thoughts are a habit and my negative self-talk has far too much influence in my life. Clearly this year is going to be one spent acquiring new habits and releasing the old.

This month’s theme is one of Infinite Supply. I blogged about this a little while ago so I’m not going to go into too much detail now, but I have identified my challenge for the month. I think my biggest challenge will be giving up the security of regular income so I can throw myself properly and completely into getting Smart Talkers Surrey off the ground. I also feel that I need to give recklessly, fearlessly and not worry about the future so much. Balance, as I’ve said before, comes from giving and receiving, so I need to be willing to receive in measure equal to what I give out and not be ashamed or embarassed to do so.

I will not worry about the future. I know that my family will not go hungry or homeless and that my needs will always be provided for. I am supplied for today and all my tomorrows.

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Be Strong.. Indeed!

My theme for this month was to be strong, to not allow myself to be overtaken by negative thoughts or to underestimate myself. I’ll be honest, it’s been tougher than I could have imagined. I thought frequently about negativity, because it’s something that comes easily to me and every time I did I kept trying to turn the negative thought into a positive one. I’ll be honest though, it was as if the universe were conspiring against me, particularly last week. There just seemed to be one thing after another piling on top of me and I ended up in a bit of a tailspin on the weekend, culminating in a quartet competition on Saturday night. I performed really badly in my quartet, this blasted song that I can sing perfectly well on my own, but when I sing it with the girls it goes totally pear-shaped. I felt like I’d let them down (we came third out of three quartets) although they’d never say so. I just kept faking it though, pretending I felt fine about it all. Later, I participated in the scratch quartet competition (a group gets together during the break, not having rehearsed and you just do the song) and we came first! We received probably the loudest applause on the night. Later, with my entire chorus, we sang Under the Boardwalk, which is a fab song for me because I get lots of solo bits and I totally rocked it, if I may say so myself.

I’m still training for the swimathon, 9 weeks to go! I have a training regime in place but I’m finding it hard to go to the gym often enough. I still want to do the 5km in 1.5 hours, but if I don’t I still want to raise at least £500 so any donations gratefully received! I’m feeling frustrated at not having lost any weight, but maybe it’ll start to fall off as I continue the regular exercise. One can hope. I still hate the gym, but I like the feeling of accomplishing whatever goal it is I set myself when I get on the treadmill or into the pool. I have discovered I don’t give up as easily as might once have been the case.

I feel as though this month has been a struggle to find balance. Balance between giving and receiving, between optimism and realism, work and relaxation. If I could identify a lesson, it would probably be that you can fake it all you like and still feel like a fake, but just occasionally you make it too.

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