This month’s Goddess Oracle card is Abundantia, prosperity. Now, I’ll be honest and confess when I drew this card at the beginning of the year, and looked at it in the context of all that went before and where I wanted to be, I thought YIPPEEE!!!! MONEY!!!!
Meh, not so much.
I have found embracing abundance to be a very difficult challenge. I’m a bit late writing this post because I’ve just recently come out of a very deep low (I suffer from depression), I mean it was really bad. All the usual crap about my life is pointless, the kids would be better off without me, I just wish I could stop, everything I do fails, I’m never going to succeed, the list goes on and on and on. It’s sad, really, because when I’m in a more normal frame of mind I know that although things are difficult, they will get better. Change is the only constant in the universe after all.
The main trigger for me getting into such a low is money. I constantly worry about it. Lately money has been very tight because I’ve had to pay for school uniform. I still haven’t bought all the uniform because I have to spread out the money and it’s a choice between uniform and eating. I hate that. My definition of wealth is having enough money to do what I want when I want to do it and that really isn’t where my life is at right now.
So you can see where the challenge of Abundantia comes in. I have to redefine what wealth and abundance means. I have to start measuring my wealth in other ways.
I was slapped out of my depression pretty hard by my music director. He organised a special rehearsal, just for me, because I was having some trouble cracking a few bits in the song we’re doing at convention. He lives about an hour from me, so an extra rehearsal is no small effort. He organised a bass, a lead (who had just been in hospital having tests, she was in discomfort but came along anyway) and a baritone who he just happened to see on the street (she is part of our chorus, she lives nearby and it was just pure luck she was around). We bashed notes and sorted out what I was doing with my vowels. He made a recording at the end to post onto the chorus website and I just cringed the whole way through it. I thought it sounded awful. I thought if we had another tenor I should leave the chorus because I’m so crap. I thought he’d wasted his time organising the rehearsal and I should just give up. I didn’t say any of this but when he sent us an email with the recording attached I emailed back *running away screaming*. He messaged back the following:
“Throw away your shit-tinted spectacles and get some rose variety ones – even just plain glass ones will let you see how good that recording is.”
Now that was a proper slap.
And it worked.
I suddenly realised how selfish and stupid I had been. I had been so rude in disregarding his opinion by being so critical. Our music director puts in a lot of hours into Guildford Harmony, a lot of time he doesn’t get paid for. By putting myself down I was telling him his opinion doesn’t matter and he’s wasting his time. I also basically said that my friend, in coming to the rehearsal straight from hospital, was silly too. What an insult! I would never mean to say such things to them but my treatment of myself said it instead.
I have started to realise where my true wealth lies. I am a member of two really wonderful clubs where I make a real difference. I make people feel great! I am learning to think differently about things, and I am working on forgiving myself when I go back to the old habits. I’ve got brilliant friends who know how I feel about them, and if they don’t I’m working on it (I wrote a guest blog here, so proud to have been asked and doubly proud that she actually likes it!). I’ve got a loving partner who would do anything for me. My business isn’t earning me anything yet, but I know it will because I’m passionate about it. I tutor some wonderful children and working with them doesn’t feel like work at all. There’s a whole lot more, but right now I’m most grateful for having such a great friend in my music director who knows how to properly bitch-slap me 🙂