Think before you write…

I received a letter the other day, from my dad who lives in Australia. We’ve had a rather troubled relationship for a long time and I’m sad to say it’s reached a new low. After receiving his letter I just wanted to write back telling him just how I felt, I wanted to post it on Facebook and Twitter and my blog, I wanted the whole world to know how I felt. The trouble was, it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t kind. I had to stop and think about what I was planning to release into the world and I made a concious decision to only create good things, to the best of my ability. Writing about how I felt at that moment would do nothing but create harm and hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve written down what I want to say, somewhere private and where it will never be seen, because I needed to get the hurt off my chest. Now I’m going to write the post that should be written, not the one I wanted to write when I was full of hurt and pain.

I love my dad. I have really happy memories. I remember sharing an apple with him on the beach, enjoying the tartness of the apple and the trace of his breath on it. I remember making his lunch when he was working nights, putting in a little note to say I loved him, like he did for me when I started my new school. I still have that note. He used to take me skiing and to the zoo. He cooked the most amazing food for my 17th birthday party, anything and everything I wanted was on the table that day. I remember him washing my hair in the shower and getting all wet. It’s impossible to wash your kid’s hair in the shower without getting saturated! He worked so hard on renovating the house, every weekend for I don’t know how long, years I guess. He sent me to Korowa so I could keep up my Japanese studies. He taught me how to make spaghetti bolognese, roast dinners and he loved my rock cakes. I thought he was the cleverest person ever.

And now I’m here, knowing with certainty that he matters but his opinion of me does not. I will no longer allow myself to be held back by anything. I have permission to be who I am, warts and all.

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5 Responses to Think before you write…

  1. Oh Vanessa what a brave, honest post. You DO have permission indeed …the power is always in our own hands, we just need to claim it. Good for you for taking yours back!!!

    • Vanessa King says:

      Thanks Sam, it’s been a long time coming. I think the permission is an ongoing experience though. It’s not a matter of giving it and getting on with it. I find every day I have to remind myself that I love my dad but I don’t need his approval or his support any more. The best bit is losing the victim mentality and taking full responsibility for my life 🙂

  2. Cassandra says:

    Kudos to you for releasing the positive and giving yourself permission to be truly you. It’s such a hard thing to feel okay with being ourselves when our parents don’t agree. I’ve had this struggle with my mom off and on. We can only hope that they will accept and love us just as we are.

  3. Reblogged this on lovelyseasonscomeandgo and commented:
    yes this is very helpful to think before you speak, and ask yourself these important questions. Is it true, helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind. Thank you for this post.

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