I received a letter the other day, from my dad who lives in Australia. We’ve had a rather troubled relationship for a long time and I’m sad to say it’s reached a new low. After receiving his letter I just wanted to write back telling him just how I felt, I wanted to post it on Facebook and Twitter and my blog, I wanted the whole world to know how I felt. The trouble was, it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t kind. I had to stop and think about what I was planning to release into the world and I made a concious decision to only create good things, to the best of my ability. Writing about how I felt at that moment would do nothing but create harm and hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve written down what I want to say, somewhere private and where it will never be seen, because I needed to get the hurt off my chest. Now I’m going to write the post that should be written, not the one I wanted to write when I was full of hurt and pain.
I love my dad. I have really happy memories. I remember sharing an apple with him on the beach, enjoying the tartness of the apple and the trace of his breath on it. I remember making his lunch when he was working nights, putting in a little note to say I loved him, like he did for me when I started my new school. I still have that note. He used to take me skiing and to the zoo. He cooked the most amazing food for my 17th birthday party, anything and everything I wanted was on the table that day. I remember him washing my hair in the shower and getting all wet. It’s impossible to wash your kid’s hair in the shower without getting saturated! He worked so hard on renovating the house, every weekend for I don’t know how long, years I guess. He sent me to Korowa so I could keep up my Japanese studies. He taught me how to make spaghetti bolognese, roast dinners and he loved my rock cakes. I thought he was the cleverest person ever.
And now I’m here, knowing with certainty that he matters but his opinion of me does not. I will no longer allow myself to be held back by anything. I have permission to be who I am, warts and all.