This last month has been tougher than I ever dreamed. I’m not the most optimistic person in the world, but I’m reasonably positive with a heaped tablespoon of pragmatism that makes me seem like a perpetual black hat thinker sometimes. My depression has reared its ugly head big time this month. I battle constantly with feeling like a failure. My partner is so great at listing all my successes, all the things I’m good at, but when the monster grips me I just feel like such a waste of space. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. I know that sounds dramatic, but that’s how it is when it’s really bad.
July’s focus was A Leap of Faith. I listed a few areas where I felt I needed to leap and I can faithfully report I’ve leapt but I kept remembering to land and my mind is feeling every one of those hard landings.
Allow me to share three things that happened this last month.
First, on the waxing moon, I cast a spell. I don’t believe I’m actually magic, but I do believe that sometimes, in some situations, a small ritual with a simple meaning can have a profound impact on the way things are perceived. So I thought about how I feel about money and how I want to feel about money and tried to leave it to the universe to sort out. I just wanted to feel differently about money. I want to feel that I have enough. The very next week money got so tight I was grateful the kids were at their dad’s otherwise I wouldn’t have had enough money to feed them. That’s not a nice feeling and I felt monumentally disappointed. I felt downright shitty.
The next week, an opportunity to attend a really fabulous business and life retreat course came up and all I needed was $3750 AUD. I really wanted it. I wanted it so badly. I decided I would email the woman who runs it and tell her I didn’t have the money right now but by god I was going to get it. I posted it on Facebook. I even asked my dad for some money, first time since 1991. I was ready to sell my car. I was going, dammit! Then the email came back, the course was fully booked. To make it worse I’d done the one thing I swore I’d never do again – give my dad an opportunity to say no. As it is, he hasn’t even bothered to respond to my email so I’ve concluded he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I don’t know if that’s true, but I can’t keep hoping he’ll be the dad I want him to be. Or the grandfather for that matter.
The last thing was two really superb posts by the woman whose course I wanted to attend. This woman is so perpetually happy, successful in every way. I want what she’s got! She wrote a post about being your own best friend and about how to improve your mood. Both of these just made me bawl my eyes out, and actually I still feel incredibly sad when I think about these posts. Sad, because I want to be this way but I have such a low opinion of myself and my achievements. Basically, I just don’t feel like I’m worth it. I don’t know how to change this feeling, I suppose I’m hoping this whole year’s journey will lead me to a place where I can write myself a love letter and bloody well mean it.
So that’s where the month ended. Not that great, really. It’s just as well this whole transformation thing is a work in progress. Just because the month is over doesn’t mean I leave the focus behind, it just means I’m shifting my vision to something new. The Leap of Faith will come but it’s very hard.