Looking back, looking forward

Infinite supply. I haven’t written much this month but considering it’s the end of the month I think it’s time I wrote anyway, even though I still haven’t worked things out.

When I think of having enough, I think of money. I have enough when I can cover my bills, buy the kids’ clothes, go out for dinner or lunch etc without having to worry about whether or not I can afford to do it. I haven’t had enough for ages, by that definition. The worry aspect of the definition is key. Because I worry, I don’t have enough. If I didn’t worry, I would have enough. It wouldn’t have anything to do with how much money I have. Knowing this to be the case doesn’t change the fact that I worry constantly.

This month has been really difficult, so many ups and downs. The chorus has lost a couple of members, one resignation left me with a very bad taste in my mouth and I wished I had had the courage to deal with things differently. Having said that, I’ve learned that I should follow my instinct because more often than not it’s the right thing to do. I’ve had probably three migraines this month, which is more than usual. I chickened out of the speech contest this year because I thought I could never be good enough. Yet, I delivered a target speech at a club evalutation contest that was so good it was suggested I deliver it at an area contest in London and it was very well-received there. I’ve made it through a very bad depressive episode, the kind where I wanted to smash my car into the nearest tree, experienced a rage that seemed to belong to someone else. I’ve been asked, one of 12 people, to put together a piece for BBC local radio about love and relationships after 40. I’ve made some brilliant friends and realised that I’m a damn good teacher who makes a difference. The best thing is that I’m starting to realise I’m attractive and desireable and being in my 40s is just the best thing ever!

I suppose the conclusion has to be that infinite supply is what you decide it is. I’ve had a lot of bad stuff and a lot of really fantastic stuff this month. Some people say that whether it’s bad or good comes down to perception. I say that sometimes shit is just shit and that’s it. If I can focus on the good stuff and forget about the bad then I’ve made progress.

Maybe.

I think I don’t have very good mechanisms for coping with stress. I internalise it and it all comes out in a massive migraine. I basically vomit out the stress and I’m all set to receive the next bout. It’s not a very satisfactory way of dealing with things, but it’s all I have at the moment. Maybe that’s the next thing I need to work on…

 

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