My theme for this month was to be strong, to not allow myself to be overtaken by negative thoughts or to underestimate myself. I’ll be honest, it’s been tougher than I could have imagined. I thought frequently about negativity, because it’s something that comes easily to me and every time I did I kept trying to turn the negative thought into a positive one. I’ll be honest though, it was as if the universe were conspiring against me, particularly last week. There just seemed to be one thing after another piling on top of me and I ended up in a bit of a tailspin on the weekend, culminating in a quartet competition on Saturday night. I performed really badly in my quartet, this blasted song that I can sing perfectly well on my own, but when I sing it with the girls it goes totally pear-shaped. I felt like I’d let them down (we came third out of three quartets) although they’d never say so. I just kept faking it though, pretending I felt fine about it all. Later, I participated in the scratch quartet competition (a group gets together during the break, not having rehearsed and you just do the song) and we came first! We received probably the loudest applause on the night. Later, with my entire chorus, we sang Under the Boardwalk, which is a fab song for me because I get lots of solo bits and I totally rocked it, if I may say so myself.
I’m still training for the swimathon, 9 weeks to go! I have a training regime in place but I’m finding it hard to go to the gym often enough. I still want to do the 5km in 1.5 hours, but if I don’t I still want to raise at least £500 so any donations gratefully received! I’m feeling frustrated at not having lost any weight, but maybe it’ll start to fall off as I continue the regular exercise. One can hope. I still hate the gym, but I like the feeling of accomplishing whatever goal it is I set myself when I get on the treadmill or into the pool. I have discovered I don’t give up as easily as might once have been the case.
I feel as though this month has been a struggle to find balance. Balance between giving and receiving, between optimism and realism, work and relaxation. If I could identify a lesson, it would probably be that you can fake it all you like and still feel like a fake, but just occasionally you make it too.