Those who know me well might be a bit surprised by what I’m going to say next.
I bought some oracle cards. And I’ve used them. I’m getting the feeling that most of my readers are thinking ‘what the hell are oracle cards??’ Oracle cards are, as far as I can gather, a bit like tarot cards except without the scary bits in them. Apparently die-hard tarot users think they’re a bit woosy, but I don’t really care what people think about them, I’ve found them to be amazingly helpful. I don’t believe they have any intrinsic power, don’t worry I haven’t completely lost my mind, but I do find that if I focus on a question or feeling that I’m not sure about, I shuffle the cards for as long as feels right, I pick one off the top and something comes to mind that I find valuable.
See, I told you I wasn’t kidding about trying to change the way I think about things. I’ve got no idea whether there’s any validity about it, again I don’t really care. Reading the cards has prompted me to think about things in a different way, and given my goal for the year I think that’s what really counts.
The first reading I did was a series of twelve cards, one for each month of the year. The cards have given me a theme for each month that so far I have found very powerful and I’d like to share with you the themes for January and February. During the course of the year I’ll share the other themes as and when feels right.
January’s theme was Quiet Time. I found myself seeking peaceful experiences whenever possible. I avoided watching much telly, I tried to only do things that I wanted to do, I made an appointment for a few hours’ spa time (next weekend, woo hoo!) and generally tried to put my peace of mind first. This didn’t mean I eschewed housework and other jobs altogether, but I approached them in a different frame of mind. Doing them when the mood was right rather than doing them when I felt they had to be done gave me a lightness of feeling I hadn’t realised I could have. I got through three weeks of the month feeling really empowered, in control and positive about what was happening on a daily basis, including when I was horribly sick and did that speech to the RNLI ladies.
However, that peaceful feeling evaporated when I felt I was made to do something I really didn’t want to do. I felt stressed and unhappy for about a week until I realised why I was feeling so uptight. I don’t really want to go into the reasons for the feelings, but I did something out of obligation instead of standing firm and once I realised that the stress melted away as quickly as it had come. That was the last week in January which brings me to February’s theme.
In February my theme is Be Strong. My first thought on this was kia kaha, being strong like a kauri tree, unbending, reliable, making it through any adversity. The card meant a lot more than that though…
Being strong means seeing myself in the most favourable light possible. It means the embodiment of strength, rising above victimhood. Being strong means not blaming anyone or thinking negative thoughts. It means not underestimating myself.
All of these things are a real challenge for me. I will look in the mirror and only see bad things. People will compliment me and my first thought is that they are just being nice. My default position is that life just happens to me, the only thing I can control is my reaction to it and even that’s debateable. That’s honestly how I feel when I’m in the middle of a bad depressive episode.
It’s crap and I want to change it.
Seeing myself as I honestly am, in the most favourable light possible, the embodiment of strength and in total control of my life, these are the changes I’m making in my life.