I’m really proud of the speech I did for the RNLI. I was so sick. I mean, *really* sick. I dragged myself out of bed, threw a bowl and towel in the car in case I vomited again and went to the gig. I’m told that shows great strength of character. I don’t know whether it was all that, I was just determined not to let those people down. I hope being there was less of a let-down than me not being there, mind you! I talked about participating in the BBC 100 Lives project and how meeting other participants made me aware of my ‘I’m just’ self-talk. I talked a little about how difficult last year was but how I’d grown a lot. My speech was essentially my journey from ‘I’m Just’ to ‘I Am’ over the bridge of ‘Say Yes.’ Even though I felt dreadful, I just kept thinking hat one of my goals is to get a paid speaking gig and this could be the way I get it so I just have to keep going. I was sick the next day too, but I felt so great that I’d done it. Bring on the next one!
Which brings me to the subject of today’s blog entry – affirmations.
I don’t usually get anything out of affirmations. I know they work for lots of people, but if I stand in front of a mirror and say ‘I am happy with my body’ straight away my body says ‘no you’re bloody not!’ Another one my partner likes goes something like ‘I have everything I want right now and I will always have everything I want.’ I just want to slap him when he says things like that. In spite of that, I asked him to help me write some affirmations. I think maybe affirmations are the self-talk that you should be doing, rather than the negative stuff that comes more easily, the trouble is I’m always so down on myself, so I asked my partner to help. We ended up having an arguement, which is why I’m writing my blog at three in the morning! We did argue, but I thought a lot about what he said.
He asked me what my strengths are and I couldn’t think of any. He asked me what my weaknesses were and I couldn’t think of any. Well, none I could actually say out loud anyway. He thought I took myself for granted. Maybe I do. I just do things and take it for granted that I’ll do them, because not doing them simply isn’t an option so I don’t see it as a particular strength or weakness. Maybe I should change that. I said that a friend had thought my doing the RNLI speech even though I was ill showed a lot of character. My partner agreed then asked me if I always look to others for affirmation. I think that’s true. After every Guildford Speakers meeting I’ll ask Doug if he thinks I did a good job. I always look for encouragement from the musical director of my chorus that I’m sounding good – being the only tenor I struggle with my confidence a lot.
I don’t know how to change that. I think I need to change it, but I’m not sure how to. I think it’s okay to seek the approval of others, but it shouldn’t be your sole source of validation of yourself as a decent, successful person.
January has been a month of seeking quiet time to reflect on the past year and allow myself to dream about the year to come. I think February will be the month in which I have to find the strength to be really honest with myself and make the changes I say I want to make.