Last night my OH and I had one of our late-night philosophical discussions that usually end up with me getting majorly frustrated and in tears. He believes, in a nutshell, that whatever you believe, it is. So for example, if I believe life is shit and then you die, that’s what it is. If I believe that every time I get my hopes up, something will happen to bring me crashing down to earth, then that is my experience. He believes we are all the Creator of our own Reality whereas I believe in an objective reality; basically, when I die the world still turns, it doesn’t vanish in a puff of smoke. He wishes I would enter his reality. Why he doesn’t just imagine that I’m already in his reality is quite beyond me.
I see proof for my way of thinking all the time. If I try to imagine something different happening, that never happens. For example, last night I thought I would imagine something happening today that had a pretty good chance of happening anyway, so it wasn’t too much of a stretch to imagine myself doing it. Guess what. Not only did it NOT happen, other stuff that I thought was sorted out unravelled. I am unable to pay my rent this month because I haven’t been earning and my ex can’t afford to pay me the amount he was. I knew that was going to happen so I did the right thing; I applied for Housing Benefit and let the estate agent know. Job done. The estate agent phoned me this morning saying she was expecting me to pay the rent this month, even though I’d plainly said I can’t. I told her I’d informed her I was applying for Housing Benefit but the council were not making it easy. I’ve filled out the form three times now and they still want more information so I don’t know how long it will take to come through. I did point out that I thought it wouldn’t be a problem as I’ve paid two months in advance.
My OH says bad stuff keeps happening to me because that’s what I focus on. If that’s true, why did the rent thing happen? I wasn’t focussed on that at all and it still went wrong.
On the up side I just got a phone call from a recruitment agent about a temp job in Reading. It’s 30 miles away, too far but I’ll take it anyway. I need the money. Everything comes down to money.
This afternoon I received back-dated child tax credit. I still can’t pay all the rent, but I can at least get my car serviced so the engine won’t drop out of it on the way to Convention at the end of the month. I’m very grateful for it, it’s given me a bit of breathing room. Still, it just proves what I’ve been saying. Your state of mind has no bearing on what happens to you. I was feeling rubbish (still am) and yet I get this windfall. The universe makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.