Anybody Home?

People keep asking me if I’m settled in my new house yet. I guess they’re just being politely interested but the question always makes me feel sad. I my usual answer is “I guess so..” It’s hard to feel settled when I don’t have any dining chairs, I don’t have enough glasses, I’m sitting on beanbags and crappy furniture because it was free. My kids’ clothes are in suitcases still because I can’t afford to get them chests of drawers. Not that it matters because I can’t afford to buy them new clothes. The house is too small. There’s a whole heap of other things I don’t have that would make me feel more at home. Making a good home has always been important to me. I love to have people over. I love to cook and make them feel comfortable. Now, I just feel uncomfortable when people come because I’m not settled in this house.

I should try and think about this house in terms of what I have, rather than in terms of what I don’t.

I have a new laptop, thanks to my mum. I have a nice telly, microwave, dishwasher, washing machine and fridge. The house is warm when it’s cold outside. I have a lovely bed to sleep in and so do my kids. There’s healthy food in the fridge. The kids seem happy enough, but I’m always worried they’re missing out. Every time I dress them in the morning I notice my son needs new shoes and my daughter is growing out of her favourite trousers. She needs new shoes and my son needs a haircut…

Depression sucks. I try to think of the positives and the negatives always seep in.

I’ve had the weirdest dreams lately. I had a meeting last night for Guildford Speakers and the night before I dreamed people turned up at midday instead of 7.30pm which put me into a panic. Then last night I dreamed I got caught up with tweeting, blogging etc and forgot to go to work in the afternoon.

If you worry, you die. If you don’t worry, you die, so why worry? Dunno, but worry is eating me alive…

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