It’s Sunday and it’s been a pretty good one so far. Kids woke me up too early, as usual, but as I drowsed in bed the sounds of Michael Jackson’s Thriller filtered up the stairs, accompanied by Keiran and Naomi singing along to it. Keiran loves the PopCap game Plants vs Zombies and he likes to look at YouTube for tips on winning certain levels. It’s been a source of great mirth this morning, ranging from a bollywood version of Thriller to Thomas the Tank Engine Thriller and endless versions of people playing Plants vs Zombies with the Thriller soundtrack in the background.
I’ve been reading a few blogs this morning and filing away information for future speeches, ranging from being a better facilitator (useful for the leadership evening I plan to hold at Guildford Speakers at some point during the year) to team building and multiple intelligences. I read a post about what you wish for and being grateful for what you have. More on this later. I like to imagine myself as an outrageously powerful presenter. There, I’ve said it. I’m no where near there yet, but I’ve got a few people I can emulate and some wonderful people who are willing to help me along the way. Who knows, maybe one day I can make a living out of public speaking.
I struggled with a bout of serious depression on Friday night. Sometimes I’m not sure whether to blog about it, but I remember that when I talked about it on the radio a few months ago it made a difference to people so I will continue to talk about it here. It’s partly about getting it off my chest, but also hoping that others will be able to relate and realise they’re not alone. Depression is a mental illness and we don’t talk about it enough.
Anyway, Friday was a challenging day. I got some news about my ex’s job that might impact on my daughter continuing at her current school, not to mention paying my rent. Catherine really wants to do modelling and I want to support her, but I’m worried about her being disappointed. Guildford Harmony had a singout in the evening and I don’t feel I sang as well as I could have. I don’t know why, whether it was not being able to hear others properly or maybe I was just having an off night, either way I was disappointed with my performance. The last straw was yet another resignation from the chorus by a long-standing member.
The difficult thing with depression is that I know each of these events would be stressful for anyone, it’s reasonable to feel down about it but my reaction is completely disproportionate. I know it it as the time, but I can’t stop the whirlpool. I start to feel so bad about myself, annoyed that I’m not in control and feel I’ve not got the resources to gain control.
I went to a barbeque yesterday, a get together for UK-based Korovians (old girls from my school, Korowa). It was good fun, the kids had a ball playing with the dog on the farm and the conversation was varied and lively. I found it difficult at times though, because all of the women were very successful in their fields – a successful psychotherapist in her own practice for 20+ years, a chiropractor, a PR/marketing consultant.. all of them so much better than me and most younger than me. I’ve always had a tendency to compare myself to others and I always come up short, and having depression exacerbates this character trait of mine.
This brings me back to the Lottery blog post in which the author says “I think it’s possible to win your own lottery by just stopping and noticing all of the good things in your life. Take time to reflect on everything you have that you are grateful for. Too many of us spend too much time wishing and not enough time noticing and appreciating. So have a look at your life, note all the good stuff and enjoy every moment. To repeat a well-worn but effective quote by John Lennon ‘Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans’.”
I seriously struggle with doing this, because I have trouble thinking about what’s good, and when I do, I still think about what’s rubbish and wishing for things to be better. It’s difficult to enjoy every moment when you’re constantly worrying about things. Still, I keep thinking about it, because it’s what I want to be doing.