May 31st

I don’t know what else to do with the feelings, so I’m just going to write for a bit and see what happens…

There’s so much going on, I don’t know where to start. I think I’ve deleted the first line at least three times now. Okay. There’s money, or lack of it, job, or lack of it, bills, too many of them, and being properly depressed.

Depression is a shitty thing. It paralyses you. There’s a small part of your brain that tries to tell you that everything will get better, just get up and do something, nothing will happen unless you do it for yourself. Unfortunately there’s an overwhelming part of your brain that says shut up, shut down, there’s no point, curl up and die. All you see is the darkness. I feel incapable of anything, useless, a complete failure. My partner will try to point out things I’m succeeding at – three healthy children being the main thing – but that doesn’t make the other things go away. He tries to encourage me to dream about the future. Think about what I want, imagine myself having it, doesn’t it feel wonderful! The trouble is, my pesky brain will say I can’t have it because it requires money and I don’t have any, nor do I have any way of earning it because I’m too stupid. I watched Tron: Legacy yesterday and there’s a perfect quote in there for me – life has a way of moving you past wants and needs. Exactly. I don’t allow myself to want or need or dream, because I’m always – ALWAYS – disappointed.

Today for example.

I got a phone call from BBC Surrey, I’m going to be interviewed on the drivetime program next week. Pretty exciting, I’m going in person this time. I start to feel positive about things. I look at a party plan business and wonder if I can really make some money out of it after all, and allow myself to think maybe yes. Then I get a phone call from the estate agents. They want to know how I’m going to pay the rent and aren’t happy that the only income I will have is maintenance from my ex-husband. They want me to pay 6 months up front or pay two months in advance. I have nothing in writing to say that I’m going to be paid, because my ex and I are rather unusual in that we talk to each other and haven’t had to get solicitors to talk on our behalf, so there’s nothing in writing, no court orders, nothing. I have visions of being in council housing now.

I don’t know how to get back to the flicker of optimism I had before. I think I have to get into the habit of writing my blog every day, but I never know what to say.

If I want to be successful I have to do it myself, but I don’t know what to do. Nothing ever gets handed to you. You never ever get what you deserve.

Dare to try. Dare to dream. I have a noticeboard set up in my living room, an attempt at what some people call a vision board. It looks to me like a constant reminder of what I want and can never have, a litany of dreams that will never come true. I want to take it down, but my partner likes it being there because he thinks it’s me trying to think like him. He thinks I don’t know what I want.

I need to get off my backside and do something. I don’t know what. I think I will …

Hm. I couldn’t think of an ending for that sentence. That’s what my life is like at the moment.

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